Wellness and Health Promotion Programs, Easy Access to Lifestyle Health Risk Tests and Ezine Health and Wellness Articles for

• Nicotine Cessation / Stop Smoking
• Excess Bodyweight Prevention, Weight-Loss Motivation
• Interpersonal Communications and Healthy Relationships Building
• Stress Management for Self-Esteem, Addiction and Mood Relief

Richard Terry Lovelace, Ph.D., MSW

As they say, "Finally, it can be told." After spending years as a marriage therapist, I am free to reveal some really hot secrets I've learned. Adults can, and I want to help, avoid the needless mistakes of those people I've counseled who got caught cheating.

I can fix it so you CAN cheat and still have healthy relationships and about eliminate the prospects that your significant other (spouse, fiancé, steady, etc.) will ever suspect. After all, being found out takes about all of the fun out of it, right?

Before we get to the "good stuff," probably we need to get clear about what "romantic cheating" means. This is the best definition I know: It is when you have physical excitement (with or without release) or give clear signals that you are inclined to do so ... while interacting (face-to-face or otherwise) with a potential partner. Would some examples help?

The more easily recognized model of cheating is the husband or wife who regularly or sometimes has physical excitement with another partner. Although this probably is the more commonly recognized example, it isn't the most frequent form of cheating.

One couple came to me for marital therapy because the wife was caught having an affair with some guy she had never seen or even talked to. Her husband walked in on her while she was typing in explicit "chat" exchanges with some married fellow ... at his own computer, many states away.

Okay, enough of the preliminaries. Let's get down to what I promised: Arrange it so you can cheat or have affairs -- be fully available to do so -- and all but eliminate any risk that your partner will ever catch on. I will arrange these "hot secrets" I've learned from the flubs of others in five simple steps.

1. Check out your level of stress and adjust. It's well known that excess stress clouds thinking or judgement and makes people impulsive. To be really good at affairs and cheating you need to have your wits about you and avoid being haphazard.

How would you rate your ongoing degree of stress in recent times and on a scale from one to seven ... when seven represents the most severe chronic stress you have experienced? The number one would stand for no recognizable stress.

Here is a hint to help be sure about how much stress you have: Using that same "one to seven" scale, rate yourself on how much you tend to worry. You know, worry is thinking about stuff that you see as "bad" that has occurred or might happen, and you usually have trouble getting your mind off it. Now, write a second number from one to seven that represents your level of worrying.

You can be more confident that you rated your stress about right if the number you gave it pretty much matches your level of worrying. If, for instance, you rated your recent, ongoing level of stress at a five and that is accurate, then you probably rated your level of worry at a five or maybe a six. If you rated your stress at maybe a three or four and rated your level of worrying at a five or six, then you underestimated your stress level.

A chronic stress level above a four is clearly too much. Before cheating, or going back to it, you need to lower your usual level of stress to no higher than three on the scale.

2. Increase your appeal. Being someone who has affairs or is open to them, you are likely to be concerned about your appearance. Perhaps you've dropped some excess pounds or are careful to avoid picking up more weight. Your more attractive body and clothes -- that might attract people to cheat with you -- can too easily be a giveaway and increase suspicion about your behavior or interests.

Take care to cover your tracks by encouraging your "significant other" to find you appealing. If you have gotten rid of some pounds, for example, point it out to him or her and in a flirtatious way. When you wear something new and exciting, ask him (her) if he likes it.

Doing these things will influence your unsuspecting "significant other" to stay that way ... unsuspecting. He (she) will think that you are looking good for his sake and not to attract or keep someone else. Sneaky, huh?

3. Get physical. One of the clearest giveaways that someone might be having affairs, cheating, or inclined to, is that she becomes physically aloof from her (his) "significant other." If you are getting pleasure elsewhere or want to, you will show less interest in romance at home.

Avoid suspicions by daily touching (several times) your significant other in ways that he or she will find agreeable/tolerable and might encourage arousal. And, don't limit your touching to when other people are watching. You might gently scratch his back or hold his hand. Whenever you can, let this touching culminate in intimacy with your partner. That will really throw him (her) off!

4. Deal with any hurt feelings about yourself. Unless it is particularly severe, hardly anyone recognizes his guilt of hurt self-esteem for what they are. Anyway, don't feel guilty or feel badly about yourself.

Ask a librarian to point out the most popular books about building self-esteem and read them. Regularly counter negative things you say to yourself with statements, such as:

• "I am worthwhile."
• "The more I know what's true about myself, the more I care about and respect myself."
• "I refuse to trade away my future and the futures of those who depend on me to satisfy the 'wants' of a terrific, but too young, part of my personality."
  
  See our self-esteem test.

5. Take an addiction inventory.* Cheating or having affairs so you can get away with it needs to come from health and not from addiction. People who are addicted to physical excitement and haven't dealt with it are notorious for getting caught.

Not long after I began to write this piece, I told a colleague about what I planned to say. I could see what I guessed was shock on his face. As in, "How dare you tell people how to cheat and not get caught. After all, fearing getting caught is part of what discourages affairs. If you reduce the fear of being caught, mightn't you encourage cheating?"

By the time I finished telling him (this colleague) the five guidelines I just shared with you, his expression had changed to reflect what I suspected was confusion. In so many words he said, "But it's commonly believed that

• too much stress,
• a partner not finding one attractive,
• physical aloofness,
• hurt self-esteem and
• addiction

are the major contributors to cheating."

He asked, "Won't encouraging people to reduce their stress, and so on, make it less likely they will cheat?"

Then I restated the working title of this article, "Affairs, How You Can Cheat, Have an Affair and Not Get Caught." I pointed out that the title used the word, "can." I didn't say that anyone would cheat after reading this.

The fact is, and this is particularly important, being in a position to cheat and not get caught makes it about impossible to do so. If you ever were, you won't be inclined to have an affair. Those factors that encourage cheating make getting caught a sure thing.

End.

* See our Tips for Improving Relationships.